


The Prime Iteration

by Fourticktock



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben Goes With Han, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Hurt/Comfort, My First Work in This Fandom, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Redeemed Ben Solo, Suicide, Suicide but only for ending the loop, Time Loop, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:47:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22829692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fourticktock/pseuds/Fourticktock
Summary: “What do you want with me?” the words exploded from her, her arms twisting and pulling enough to leave bruises. “I won’t give you anything.”“No, you never do,” he hummed, almost a laugh. He shook his head, as though mildly exasperated. “I have seen the galaxy burn more times than I care to count,” he murmured. He glanced at her. “I have sworn allegiance to you as my queen.” His face fell, eyes distant. “Probably the worst ending, even if we had each other for a moment.”
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 19
Kudos: 74





	1. Wait

**Author's Note:**

> Note: this takes liberties with Star Wars lore, the movies and won't bother to explain anything in detail. 
> 
> Don't hate me for this. I have been trying to get back into fanfiction in order to finish my two fics. It helps to read some, and for some reason I gravitated to Kylo Ren fics. This one came to me as I was daydreaming. Hopefully, writing something will help me get back into the habit. 
> 
> Warning to all: this fic will be put on the back burner the moment inspiration strikes for my other fics. I'll keep you posted on my progress. 
> 
> PS. I haven't written anything in Star Wars before. I've read a few books, and a whole buttload of fics.

He was staring at her when she woke up, from the corner of the room. At first, she didn’t understand who the young man with the haunted eyes was, but then she pieced it together. This was Kylo Ren, and she was strapped to a rack. Her heart-rate spiking, she tried subtly testing her restraints. He rose abruptly, reaching towards her. She froze. But he stopped short, letting his hand fall while his face grimaced, almost as if he would cry. 

“Letting you go never works,” he muttered. Hope flared in her at the first two words, but only for a moment. He turned away, staring at the floor, shoulders hunched. 

“What do you want with me?” the words exploded from her, her arms twisting and pulling enough to leave bruises. “I won’t give you anything.” 

“No, you never do,” he hummed, almost a laugh. He shook his head, as though mildly exasperated. “I have seen the galaxy burn more times than I care to count,” he murmured. He glanced at her. “I have sworn allegiance to you as my queen.” His face fell, eyes distant. “Probably the worst ending, even if we had each other for a moment.” 

“What are you talking about?” 

“I have tried this before too, just so you know.” He came to stand beside her, gazing down with a pained expression. Rey felt like she was caught in quicksand. “Telling you the truth. It never works though. Through countless iterations, we always end up destroying ourselves, or the galaxy. We can never have both.” 

“I don’t understand.” 

“You never will.” He leaned down, pressing a kiss to her forehead. She froze, confused and waiting for the trick to be revealed. “It is my only comfort, that this is my curse alone to bear,” he murmured against her skin, making her shiver, pausing there, as if he could not bring himself to pull away. She could only see the blackness of his tunic. 

“Just tell me,” she whispered, holding her breath. He pulled away just enough to look down at her. His hair fell forward, darkening the edges of her world. 

“I’m trapped. Every iteration ends in death or destruction. I wake here again, with you. I thought at first this was the moment I had to change. That I had to best you, tear the map from your mind. I did once. It killed you.” Rey sucked in a breath, shaking her head. “Then I tried to save you. That only sends the galaxy into chaos, me to a swift execution and right back here.” He stepped back, taking a deep breath before continuing. “Then I focused on another moment that seemed to be fixed. There is a version where I kill Snoke. When I discovered that I began forming our connection so that you would take my hand and rule the First Order with me.” 

“That’s insane. I would never do that,” Rey spat. 

“You’re right,” Kylo nodded. “As you are now, no. With the dark side, however, you became quite the Supreme Leader.” Rey shook her head more forcefully. 

“You’re insane.” 

“I tried to rule the galaxy myself several times,” Kylo continued, beginning to pace in front of her as though he were giving a boring lecture. “There was once,” he almost smiled, “when I got to execute Hux. That was a good one. Even if you did come for me in the end.” 

“Stop this!” 

Her words froze him. He looked apologetic, finally nodding. “Yes, this needs to stop. This iteration is wasted.” He turned abruptly and exited the room, returning with a blaster. At Rey’s gasp he hurried towards her, “Nonono, it’s not for you. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” He petted her forehead, ignoring her flinch, gazing at her with a small smile. She stared back uncomprehendingly. 

“You are, truly, insane.” 

“Yes, I think I am. Have been, for a while now at least.” A look passed over him, Rey thought of the expression of 'someone walking over your grave'. “I love you,” he blurted, swallowing his next words. Instead he became apologetic. “Rey, I- I do. I don’t know when I realised. Maybe on the very first go around,” he laughed, still petting her. “Maybe I should have told you then. But I will, from now on. I’ll tell you every time, before the end.” He stepped back and held the blaster to his head. “See you soon.” 

“Wait!” The word wrenched itself from Rey’s throat just as the blaster went off, and Kylo fell, dead. She gasped and turned away from the sight. The smell of burnt flesh filled the room. “Fuck,” she gasped. “Nonono, this can't be happening!” She almost screamed for help, but what good would that do? Would they think she had a hand in it? 

XXX

He was staring at her when she woke up, from the corner of the room. At first, she didn’t understand who the young man was, but then she pieced it together. This was Kylo Ren, and she was strapped to a rack. Her heart-rate spiking, she tried subtly testing her restraints. He watched her with a blank, bored expression. He rose, walking towards the door. It eased open- 

“Wait!” 

He turned in surprise at her outburst. She sounded terrified, but she felt confused. Why had she screamed that? 

He was by her side the next moment, hovering close. “What is it? What do you feel?” 

“Nothing, I-.”

“Do you remember?” 

“Remember what? What are you talking about?” 

“But you felt something? What was different?” His look turned inward, his eyes flickering all over her like a mad man. “Something I did, or you?” 

“Let me go, now,” she demanded. He was so close she could feel his breath, but he didn’t appear to be aware of her. 

“But you remember, you believe me?” he insisted.

“No! I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Let me go, now!” She pulled hard against her restraints. The sound seemed to wake him. He stepped back. 

“There is something of the previous iteration in your mind. I must see it.” He looked apologetic as he raised his hand towards her. She felt it then, a presence on the edge of her mind. He was prodding her. Her body shook as she instinctively tried to get away.

“Stop it!” 

He grimaced, looking away even as he forced himself upon her. “I must see.” He pushed harder against her mind, the pain excruciating. 

Rey screamed and fought back, and then something clicked into place, and she saw herself. She was powerful and beautiful, nothing of the scavenger remained. She watched as the Hosnian system broke apart. She surveyed her forces while they overwhelmed the Resistance. She smiled as the last Jedi temple burned to the ground. All while her great General stood by her side, until he didn’t. Until he started giving her looks filled with doubt. Until she forced him to kill that which held him back. It didn’t help. He was useless in the end. Dead by his own lightsaber. He didn’t even fight as she pushed it into his stomach, his eyes filled with regret. 

“No!” 

Kylo fell back when she pulled herself from his mind, hitting the floor hard with a groan. 

“What was that?” She gasped, out of breath.

“You know what it was,” he said, putting a hand to his head and wincing, slowly sitting up. 

“When did that happen?” 

He looked up in surprise at her straightforward question. Her fear was being tempered by curiosity. “I’m not sure. They all feel like dreams after I’ve lived them. Some stand out more than others. It’s why it’s so damn difficult to change events. I convince myself it’s all a dream and try to focus on the present, but then, of course, everything turns out the way it did the first time.” 

“Show me,” Rey commanded. He shifted, sitting crossed-legged, almost like a schoolboy about to hear a story. 

“I’m not sure I can. It’s all a big… soup,” he muttered, head down. 

“Yes, you can. Just… meditate and let me do the searching.” 

“How do you-“ 

“I don’t know, I just feel it. It’s like muscle memory. Just, close your eyes and try to… swim in the soup.” He huffed a laugh and did as she told him. She spared no thought to how the scene looked. The prisoner issuing commands to the interrogator, sitting meekly at her feet. She closed her own eyes and focused. 

She found it at once. The prime iteration. 

She watched it all from his perspective, felt his emotions, knew his doubts intimately. Yet, when it was all finished it immediately began fading, like a dream. He was breathing heavily, head down, tense and waiting. For her judgement, she realised. 

“I couldn’t reach you in time,” he whispered, voice taunt with guilt. “I turned too late.” She had felt his anguish as he held her in his arms, dead and gone, and the Emperor victorious. 

“Have you ever tried saving him?” she asked gently. He knew who she meant. 

“Of course,” he said gruffly. “But if I don’t meet him on the bridge Snoke has some choice torture for me waiting. Same if I try to kill Snoke first. I never succeed.” 

“What about coming with me now, to the Resistance?” 

Kylo was shaking his head before she had finished. “They just put me in a cell until it’s too late. Snoke finds me. Tortures me through the Force. Or Luke convinces them to keep me locked away. I even died of starvation once, I think, when the base I was held on was destroyed.” 

“But- what about the bridge-“ 

“I always kill him on the bridge.” 

Kylo’s voice broke no argument. There was silence for a moment, and when he spoke again his voice was close to breaking. Rey was certain his chin would dig through his chest if he didn’t look up soon. “I’ve tried. So many times. If I don’t meet him, Snoke kills me. If I do, I kill him. Every time. I tell myself I won’t. But once the saber is in my hands-“ He heaved a breath, finally looking up, face streaked with tears. “It’s like it lights up on its own, I swear. Sometimes I think that this is hell, and my punishment is to watch him die and forgive me again and again and again!” He was having trouble breathing, but he took a deep, unsteady breath and let it out slowly, calming himself. He had done this before. “It’s like a fixed point,” he explained to himself as much as to Rey. “My mind can’t see any other way out once I’m there. I know I must kill him to be strong enough. And I think that’s true, in some sense. I’ve only ever been strong enough to kill Snoke if I’ve killed-“ His head dropped back down and he sucked in a shaky breath. 

“You’re wrong,” Rey said. “You’ll do it this time.” He shook his head. “You will.” 

“No, you don’t understand. I can give you my word now, but it won’t matter once I’m there, in front of him.” 

“Listen to me, Ben Solo.” The name made him look up, shock and maybe something like hope on his face. “You can and you will. You will meet your father and take his hand. Now, how much time do we have left?” 

“Um- I’m not sure, seconds, before Snoke demands an audience.” 

“Go, leave me here. Do everything as before. Forget we even spoke. I’ll see you on the bridge.” When he made no move to get up, she smiled. “Trust me. Go!” 

Finally, he scrambled to his feet, swaying a bit. She nodded towards the helmet and he grabbed it, hesitating only for a moment before putting it on. She nodded towards the door and he left, hesitating one last time at the door. She thought he might turn back, but then he steeled himself and walked out. 

Now all she had to do was wait for the Stormtrooper. 

XXX 

“I know what I have to do, but I don’t know if I’ll have the strength to do it.” He had said the words countless times now. But it wasn’t until this iteration that he realised how the meaning of the words had changed. Or maybe they had always meant what they should have. He had simply not had the strength to admit it. 

“Let me help you,” Han said. Kylo took a moment to bask in Han’s optimism. Once again, he stood holding the lightsaber with his father. Once again, he froze, his fingers like claws. It was like the prime iteration all over. He could hear Snoke, not actual words, but whispers like a cold wind over his bones. What was he doing? Did he think Han was serious? That he could just let go and join the Resistance? Play sabacc between missions with Dameron? He knew what lay at the end of that. Weakness and death. Weakness haunted him through all the iterations. Always too late, always the wrong choice. This was just more of the same. 

Han’s face was beginning to contort in confusion. Now came the moment. Kylo would complete his destiny. All iterations fell away. He was as before, ready to finish it. His fingers shifted on the hilt. He anticipated Han’s gasp, and maybe Han did too. He tensed, bracing himself. 

“WAIT!” 

The word rang through the chamber, echoing back and hitting him again and again, knocking the breath from him. Both he and Han’s eyes shot to the platform above. Kylo couldn’t see the details of her face, but she stood tall and confident, hands on the railing. 

When she didn’t say anything else, Han looked back to him, then down in surprise. Kylo had let go, his arms hanging now, limp. He felt bone tired from the effort. He met Han’s eyes, and his father nodded, smiling as though this was what always happened. As though this was what he had expected. As though he hadn’t died a hundred times at his son’s hand. 

Han took the lightsaber in one hand and clapped Kylo on the shoulder, guiding him towards the other end of the bridge. After a moment, perhaps when he was certain Kylo was coming, he took the lead. 

Outside in the snow, they met up with Chewie, Finn, and Rey. When their eyes met she smiled in a way he couldn’t remember her ever having done before. 

“I knew you could do it.” For a beautiful moment Kylo thought she might hug him. They had no time for more words. The whole planet was rupturing. They hurried to the Falcon, even as Finn shouted his confusion at Rey. They reached the ship, with Kylo taking up the rear. Han and Chewie disappeared into the cockpit. Kylo found himself swaying a bit, vision clouding, standing in the old ship. The smells, the sounds as Han started her up. It was Rey who finally pulled him into a the main hold so they could sit down. Finn followed, eyeing him suspiciously. 

As the Falcon dodged away from the collapsing base and attacking First Order fighters, Kylo was absolutely certain this was how this iteration was going to end. They would be blown up, and that was why giving up was the wrong choice. The Falcon gave a painful jolt, and Kylo closed his eyes, knowing when he opened them he would be back in the interrogation room, all of Rey’s effort wasted. 

But then the Falcon escaped the base’s gravitational pull and ran free of pursuers. Then there was nothing but the smooth passage of hyperspace, and silence. Finn was the first one out of his seat. 

“What the hell is going on Rey?” 

Rey got up to placate him. “Calm now, Finn, I can explain- well, I can try to explain. It’s complicated.” In the middle of Finn's incredulous exclamations, mostly involving throwing Kylo out the air lock, Han appeared in the doorway, leaning again the wall as casual as ever. 

“You two know each other?” Han asked. 

“No.” “Yes.” Rey looked apologetic at her negative. She shrugged. “Well, it’s complicated.” Chewie appeared and went straight for Kylo, who rose in alarm, forgetting completely that his father was alive and well and Chewie wasn’t about to murder him, again. The Wookie hauled him into a vice-like hug, growling about how he had gotten even taller. 

“Let him breathe, Chewie,” Han laughed, arms crossed, face smug. 

“Rey, what the hell his going on?” Finn asked in alarm as Chewie released Kylo. “That’s Kylo Ren-“ 

“That’s my son,” Han declared to Finn, who blinked dumbly at him. Kylo felt shame race through him. How many times had Han died before he got to say that? Kylo found himself staring at the floor while Finn demanded more information. Jolting once when Chewie clapped him on the shoulder. He lost himself in the currents of his mind, idly piecing together previous iterations. It was like a nervous tick at this point. Constantly trying to find a pattern or solution. He startled when Rey touched his arm. He looked at her, but couldn’t read her face. She was unknowable now, a brand new iteration. 

“Not that I’m complaining, but how _do_ you know each other?” Han asked. 

“I’m not sure if I can explain it. Ben?” He blinked at the name. Had she ever said it in a previous iteration? Perhaps, whenever he lived the prime iteration, or close to it, but he was sure it was always as she died or he died, or both. This was different. “Ben?” 

“The Force,” he finally managed to stutter out. She smiled at him encouragingly. He forced himself to look at Han so as to not be distracted by that too. “We’re connected through the Force.” 

“Of course it is,” Han muttered, rolling his eyes slightly. “Well, whatever the Force did, thank it for me.” Rey laughed. Finn looked constipated. Kylo opened his mouth to explain more, but snapped it shut, hesitating. “Get some rest. I have no doubt your mother will want to give you the debrief of your life when we land.” 

Right, he might get to see his mother this time, instead just the inside of a cell. Throughout all the iterations, he couldn’t remember if he ever saw Leia outside of an execution, his or hers. 

He sat back down. Finn asked if he could talk to Rey in private. Chewie and Han retreated to the cockpit. 

He breathed. 

XXX 

There was little conversation on the Falcon. Kylo retreated to the crew quarters, but found himself too scared to sleep. People died in their sleep all the time. He might wake up with Rey terrified of him again. 

He felt when they left hyperspace, entered an atmosphere and landed. Suddenly, a terrifying thought occurred to him. 

“You coming, kid?” Han asked from the doorway. Kylo remained seated. He tried to keep his father’s gaze, but as he spoke, he slowly failed. 

“I shouldn’t leave the Falcon, or if I do I should be blinded, taken to a cell without windows. If I know where the base is, Snoke might extract the information from my mind.” 

Han didn’t say anything for a while. He pushed off the wall and sat next to him, putting an arm around his shoulder. The gesture felt so alien. Han’s arm didn’t reach as far around him as the last time he had done it. In fact, Kylo felt monstrously big. 

“Thank you for telling me,” Han said. “I know you might not believe this, but I’m proud of you.” Bile rose in Kylo’s throat. Han had no idea. “You stay here. I’ll get your mother. She’ll know what to do.” Han clapped him on the back and left him. Kylo could hear cries of welcome echo through the Falcon from outside. They were happy their comrades survived, but he could hear their sadness as well over the Hosnian system. He had tried several ways to stop the genocide before, but those had all been his swiftest deaths, and some of his more unpleasant ones. 

He was so focused on listening to the people he didn’t notice his mother had entered the room. 

“Ben,” she whispered. He looked up and shot to his feet. She smiled with amusement at his manners. Though Leia had never insisted on ceremony herself, her son had been taught by nannies, tutors and protocol droids well enough. His instinct to rise in the presence of his mother was as strong as the Force itself. “Look at you, I didn’t think it was possible for you to get any taller.” She approached him and reached up to touch his cheek. He dutifully leaned down to let her, closing his eyes at the sensation. “Oh, Ben. I’m so proud of you for coming home.” He choked, the bile stinging his throat. He would throw up if he didn’t confess. He fell to his knees in front of her, gripping her waist and burying his face in her blouse like a child. She held him around his shoulders. She didn’t know. He had to tell her. 

“This is the first time,” he mumbled. 

“What do you mean?” Leia tried to get him to look up at her, but he couldn’t. He wanted the moment to last. This might be the only iteration where he got to hold her. 

“I’m stuck in a loop. Every time I die, or Rey dies, or the galaxy burns, instead of the permanence of death I’m thrown back to the beginning, with Rey on the Finalizer. I’ve never- This is the first time I was able to- to not- to _leave_ with…“ Leia shushed him, and he realised he was crying. She stroked his hair, clearly taking it all in. 

“How many times?” she asked. 

“Countless,” he shuddered. She squeezed him tightly. 

“You think it’s the Force doing this?” 

“I don’t know,” he mumbled. “I thought it was a punishment from Snoke at first. It felt cerebral, not real.” 

“What was different this time?” 

“Rey,” he whispered. 

“She is strong with the Force, I felt that much.” 

“We’re connected. I think-” He couldn’t tell her about Palpatine yet. It might destroy the iteration if she decided to send the Resistance to Exegol too soon. “I believe we’re a dyad. We are one in the Force. But it’s not- it doesn’t always mean it ends well. I can’t always save her, or her me. I don’t know how to keep her safe.” 

This time Leia forced him to look at her, taking gentle hold of his chin and tilting it up. He met her eyes, though his vision was blurry. After a moment of studying him she smiled. 

“You love her.” He blinked several times, but in the end could only nod. “Then I have her to thank for bringing you back to me.” 

“She doesn’t know- Or, she doesn’t feel the same. To her I’m a stranger.” 

“That’s not true. She called you Ben. Besides, you’re here now. Plenty of time to get to know you properly.” What would she get to know? There had never been an iteration where they courted in any fashion. The idea was so ridiculous he almost laughed. Besides, it was pointless. 

“She’ll forget it once this version is complete.” Leia took his face in her hands and gave him a very serious look. 

“Then we will just make sure this is the last time.” She smiled, urging him to his feet. “Come along.” 

“But I can’t- Snoke might-“ 

“You won’t recognise the planet. It’s daytime now so the stars won’t help you either. We’ll take precautions, but I’m not letting them lock you in a cell.” 

Kylo was forced to follow his mother out of the Falcon. Han, Chewie and Rey were waiting for them at the bottom of the ramp. He received another clap on the back from Han and a smile of encouragement from Rey. The rest of the base stopped moving as the group walked towards Leia’s bunker. They surrounded him in a way that might suggest he was being escorted under armed guard. Leia didn’t seem to be disabusing them of the notion, which was perhaps for the best. 

Once inside Leia’s quarters, Kylo again felt big and out of place. She tugged his arm, guiding him across the living room to a small bedroom. “Why don’t you go in the refresher, and we’ll eat later.” It felt strange, walking through the guest quarters to the refresher, taking off his cloak and gloves, finding himself in the mirror. 

He was without the scar, he realised. He touched his face were it usually resided. In most iterations it remained with him until death, a constant memento from the day he killed his father. But now it wasn’t there. His face was blank, and young looking. He swallowed. Usually, after Starkiller base, he was a mess. Bloody, sweaty, and broken, but now it didn’t look like he needed a shower at all. 

How long would this look last, he wondered?


	2. Soulean brandy

Kylo emerged from the refresher after a quick shower, finding clothes on the bed. Brown trousers, boots, and a lose-fitting black shirt. He eagerly put them on, enjoying the sensation of something else against his skin. It felt as though he had been wearing his black garb for weeks. 

In the living quarters Rey and his parents were seated around the square dining table in deep discussion. They looked like a nice family, Kylo mused. Leia noticed him first and smiled. 

“Come eat,” she said. 

He approached cautiously, fearful the image would shatter with his inclusion, but nothing changed as he sat down across from Rey. She was clearly trying to puzzle him out, judging by the way she was studying him. Leia opened the pot in the middle, and the smell assaulted him. 

“You ok there, kid?” Han asked, steadying him with a hand to his shoulder. 

“Kebroot stew,” he murmured. “I haven’t tasted it in over 15 years, I think.” Longer, of course, if he tried to calculate the iterations, but he had never done so. 

They ate in silence, mostly. Kylo got the sense his parents were scared to disturb the peace.

On his second helping, things seemed less awkward. His mother cleared her throat. 

“Rey has tried to explain what happened on the Finalizer, but of course she doesn’t have the whole picture.” 

“I’m not sure I have the whole picture,” Kylo said. He picked out the best bits of the stew as he thought. 

“I’ve never been one to believe in it,” Han said gently, “but it sounds like how someone might describe hyperspace madness.” 

“I did consider it, in the beginning,” Kylo admitted. “I imagined that I had gotten stuck in it even, or was being affected by it, but my experience doesn’t fit with any physical description of how hyperspace works, or even the stories about hyperspace madness.” He took another bite, feeling calmer than he had thought possible by their clinical discussion. That was not to last. “This feels like something else. I can’t seem to hold on to anything. Even here, this,” he gestured to the room, “it feels temporary.”

“You said this was the first time you came here, after,” Leia left the ‘not killing your father part’ out. Kylo still shifted with unease. “Doesn’t the fact that you managed to do something different mean you might have broken the loop?” 

“I’ve done different things before, deviated from the prime iteration,” Kylo explained. “It never works. I’m always back where I started.” ‘Cursed,’ he thought. 

“Well, now I’ll be there with you,” Rey said. 

“There’s no guarantee you’ll remember.” 

“There’s nothing to suggest I won’t either,” she argued. “Besides, you’re _not_ going to die this time.” Kylo tried desperately not to smile. He liked it when she cared. Not something that happened often. But he was certain she wouldn’t appreciate it now. Strangers, he reminded himself. 

“Death would be a relief at this point.” That was certainly the wrong thing to say. Classic Ben Solo, really. He ducked his head at the disappointed stares. 

“I’m so sorry you feel that way,” Leia said. He shrugged. His father heaved a sigh. 

“I hate to say it, but you need to talk to Luke,” Han said. 

“No.” Kylo hadn’t meant to say it quite so forcefully. 

“Ben,” his mother implored. 

“I’ll kill him,” he explained impassively. “Especially with Snoke still alive.” 

“Have you gone to him before?” Leia asked. 

“No, Rey does, usually. Trains with him, until…” Now there was a new way of feeling about that point; shame, guilt and even regret. He was always so pleased with himself whenever an iteration included her coming to him. But now, saying it from this side of the equation, he couldn’t look any of them in the eye. 

“Until?” Rey prompted.

“Until you come to me- I ask you, through our connection. Convince you to come. I bring you to Snoke on the Supremacy. He orders me to kill you, but then I kill him instead.” The story was met with silence. Kylo dared a glance up at Rey. She looked inscrutable. 

“And you never go back with me, after?” 

“No.” He couldn’t explain more. Speaking of the prime iteration felt like inviting it. “It’s pointless to go over those events. This iteration is fundamentally different.” 

“All the more reason for you to go with Rey to Luke this time,” Leia argued. 

“Mother, no, I’m not ready.” It seemed ridiculous given the time he had spent knowing where Uncle Luke was, yet he had never gone to him. The iterations where they met on Crait were blurry in his mind. 

“I know he failed you, we all did.” Leia smiled sadly when he met her gaze with surprise. “And I’m sorry it seems we haven’t had the opportunity to tell you, in all your iterations. Here me now, we failed you first, Ben. I don’t know exactly what happened with Luke-“ 

“You don’t?” 

“He did not go into detail before his self-imposed exile.” 

“He ran away like a coward,” Han muttered. Kylo looked at his father. He had never considered Han might have negative feelings towards his old friend. 

“He was afraid to face us, yes. I think he was overwhelmed by the enormity of his failure,” Leia said sadly. 

“I’m sorry,” Rey said. “But how could someone like Luke Skywalker fail?” Of course, she wouldn’t know. This dinner was suddenly becoming too much for Kylo to handle. Rey discovering the truth was usually a moment for them to grow closer, but if she was to have Leia’s version first, Kylo had no idea how she would react. 

“I think perhaps that’s a story for Ben to tell us.” Three pairs of eyes fixed on him and suddenly he couldn’t breathe. “But another time. You’re both exhausted, I’m sure. Why don’t I show you where you can stay, and we can speak more about it later.” Rey and Leia got up and left the room. Kylo hated that she barely glanced at him and hated himself for hoping she would. 

“You don’t have to make any decisions now,” Han told him, leaning in so Kylo was forced to meet his gaze. “I don’t understand any of this time loop Force crap, but I know you’re here, now. Rey’s a nice kid, but my priority is you. You don’t have to see that old womp rat until you’re ready. OK?” 

Kylo had no prior iteration to prepare him for a speech like that. He managed a sharp nod. 

“Why don’t you go to bed,” Han suggested. Kylo was relieved for the excuse and hurried back to the guest quarters. He sat down on the bed and breathed. He wished for the serenity of a jedi meditation, but that had been denied him for incalculable iterations. Tears filled his eyes. He lay down and stuffed the pillow in his face like he had often done as a child, not wanting his father to hear. 

XXX 

When she had shared his mind and experienced the prime iteration, she had not been able to hold on to it. Very few details remained with her, but the sensation that did was pure Ben Solo, not Kylo Ren. 

“I still don’t get it,” Finn repeated. Rey rolled her eyes even though she barely understood herself. 

“You’re never going to get it, Finn, so just accept that I know.” 

“Yeah, but _how_ do you know?” 

“I felt it.” 

“In the Force?” She shrugged. Finn fell into a pensive silence, allowing Rey to finally eat some of her breakfast. The canteen was far from silent, however. Rey felt people’s eyes on her all the time. It was very unsettling, being known as the one who brought Kylo Ren to the Resistance. “It’s crazy,” Finn continued amiably. “Like, you’re a jedi, now? What if our meeting was the Force too?” 

“Maybe,” Rey agreed. “But I’m not a jedi. I don’t think I can be.” 

“Why not? You’re a badass.” Rey blushed at his enthusiastic appraisal of her. Finn was such a strange mixture of positivity and suspicion. Always so eager to make friends, yet cautious of anything that smelled of the First Order. Rey suspected he was scared to be associated with his past; in case anyone doubted his loyalty. “Besides, BB found you, gave you the map. If anything was the Force, that has to be.” 

“I thought you didn’t even believe in the Force?” 

“I dunno, I believe you believe it.” Rey smiled in gratitude. She noticed Finn nodding a greeting to someone in the crowd. By the way his face fell after, Rey could guess it had been Poe and that he hadn’t wanted to sit with them. Rey could understand that. Poe Dameron didn’t know the details. Rey had made Finn promise not to talk about time loops to anyone. The pilot didn’t understand why Kylo Ren wasn’t in a cell, and why Finn would support Leia’s decision without argument. He knew they were keeping something from him. By the way the rest of the canteen followed his pointed avoidance of them, he wasn’t the only one. 

Rey looked over at the pilot’s table. At the way they glanced at her and kept their heads together in discussion. Finn seemed to have lost his appetite. 

She had already apologised, and almost did so again, when she felt a strange sensation in her core. A panic was bubbling. 

“I need to go,” she said, rising. “I’m sorry, could you-“ “Yeah, sure, go.” Finn took care of her tray as she hurried out of the canteen. She made her way quickly to Leia’s bunker. She pressed the door chime button several times in her haste. Threepio answered with a “Mistress Rey, how may I-“ She shouldered past him into the living quarters. The General was seated at the table with a mug of tea and a datapad. She looked up as Rey entered, the only light a small reading lap by her shoulder. The windows in the bunker were small and close to the ceiling, so the light was minimal this early in the morning. 

“Good morning,” she greeted, not noticing Rey’s distress in the poor light. 

“I’m sorry, I need to see Ben.” Rey didn’t even wait for a reply, the panic inside her was so great. She rushed to the bedroom and opened the hatch by slamming her hand on the control panel. Once inside she finally saw the source of her panic. Ben was caught in a nightmare, soaked in sweat, and shaking. 

Rey dropped to her knees by the head of the bed. “Ben?” She reached out and lay her palm against his cheek. “Ben,” she said louder. “Wake up.” She almost added a please, but his eyes flew open. He gasped, his right hand coming up to cover hers on his cheek. He had been shaking, but there had been no thrashing. Sleep paralysis, perhaps? Somehow, she doubted it was so simple. “It’s all right, it was just a dream.” 

“No, it wasn’t,” he whispered. After a beat she nodded. He took in a deep breath, squeezing her hand before letting it go. She sat back, frowning. “Thank you for waking me.” 

“I was sitting in the canteen, all the way across the base, and I felt this terrible panic inside me, and I just knew you were in trouble,” she said. He huffed, his mouth almost curling in a smile. 

“It’s the connection,” he explained. “You need to learn to control it. You shouldn’t be so overwhelmed by me having a bad dream.” 

“I thought we agreed it wasn’t just a dream?” She lifted an eyebrow at him. He huffed again, getting up slowly, wincing at his damp sleeping shirt. 

“I need a shower.” Rey got up as well, face a little heated. 

“I’ll leave you to it.” 

Once back in the living room she found Leia, still seated at the table, though not in the same seat. She must have seen some of the interaction in the bedroom. Rey hadn’t closed the door. Leia looked sad, but still smiled at Rey. 

“Thank you for helping him,” she said, indicating Rey should sit. There were two mugs of tea now. “I didn’t feel his distress,” she said. 

“It’s the connection,” Rey offered. “That’s what Ben said, anyway.” 

“You bond must be very strong,” Leia mused, smiling. “It’s incredible really. You felt him, without any training.” 

“Well, if what he said about time loops is true, I have had training.”

“Yes, I suppose that’s true.” 

It was strange how firmly she believed him. Whenever Finn asked why, she could only say it was instinct, but it was far more than that. It was the Force, she knew it. Yet, the memory of discovering this fact was a faded dream. It was as if she had always known. 

Ben Solo was a stranger with a familiar face. 

“You should go to Luke. Han’s right, we need to know what he thinks of all this, and you need guidance, as do I.” 

“But can’t Ben train me?” 

“I don’t think he’s in a good state of mind to train anyone,” Leia said, sounding like she hated to say it. “I hate the idea of sending him away again. It feels a bit too much like history repeating itself, and considering his current state of mind, I don’t blame him for wanting to avoid that. But I don’t know who else to ask.” Rey felt Leia’s despair and reached out. They clasped hands and Leia smiled in gratitude. Eventually they let go and drank their tea in silence. 

Ben came out of the bedroom freshly showered. Rey noticed how he seemed to perpetually duck his head, even though the bunker’s ceiling was more than high enough for him. It did feel a bit oppressive, even for Rey, so she couldn’t imagine what it was like for someone like Ben, who seemed to take up so much space. 

They all exchanged good mornings.

“Good morning, Master Ben,” Threepio greeted as Ben sat down next to Rey. “Shall I bring you some tea and a breakfast ration?” Ben gave his assent to that proposition while Leia chuckled, shaking her head. 

“He still spoils you,” she said softly while Threepio went about the kitchen. Rey smiled at the idea of little Ben being spoiled. 

“He’s always liked me, I’ve no idea why,” Ben said with a shrug. Leia turned with a conspiratorial air to Rey and pointed at Ben. 

“Ben here is the only one who could get Threepio to tell a lie,” Leia told Rey with a smirk. “When he was nine, he managed to get Threepio to deny he had been the one to break a beautiful glass kaleidoscope he had gotten for his birthday.” Ben’s face was getting redder by the second. Rey loved the look, and couldn’t help the grin on her own face. “It lasted two days with that one. And when I discovered the pair of them desperately trying to piece it together, I asked Threepio what had happened, and he said, and I quote ‘The device may have had an internal flaw made during its construction that caused it to shatter spontaneously.’” The pair of them laughed while Ben grumbled, though he was placated when the droid came with the tea and breakfast. 

“It was true though. It shattered far too easily,” he grumbled. “I barely threw it.” Rey laughed harder at that, and Ben smiled at her for it, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. 

“My estimation of the device was accurate,” Threepio insisted. Leia rolled her eyes. She gave him the datapad she had been using earlier and sent him off to command. Ben offered some of his breakfast ration to Rey, who eagerly grabbed for it even if she had already eaten. A blush stole over her when Ben hid his knowing smile behind his tea. 

“Rey and I were just discussing her training,” Leia said. Ben’s face fell, and Rey almost said it could wait. The air of domesticity was too nice, just like the dinner yesterday. It was hardly possible to believe she had been desperate for a single portion a couple days ago, or had it been shorter, longer? Suddenly the passage of time felt wobbly. Was this how Ben felt all the time? 

“She should go, but I can’t.” 

“Ben, if this loop-“ 

“Snoke is hunting me,” Ben said. “He will probably send the Knights of Ren after me.” His look was dark as he caught Rey’s eyes. “I should probably disappear for a while.” 

“No,” Leia and Rey spoke together. “No,” his mother repeater more gently. “I am not losing you again. He doesn’t know where we are, and he won’t find out. Rey will go to Luke and learn the ways of the Force and bring him back if she can. If the Knights come for you, we will probably need his help.” Ben opened his mouth to argue, but then changed his mind. He fiddled with the last crumbs of his breakfast. 

“He won’t come,” he mumbled. “And I don’t know what I’ll do if he does.” 

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it,” Leia declared. “I need to get to command. It’s probably best if you keep to the bunker or the Falcon.” Ben nodded. Leia rose and gave him a hug, bending over him to kiss the top of his head. Rey smiled sadly at how shaken Ben appeared after. “I’ll see you two later.” 

Once alone, they were left to sip their tea. Was it awkward? Rey couldn’t tell. She had very little experience with social situations that didn’t involve bartering, squabbling or threats. 

“I don’t know how this iteration will end,” Ben said. “But if I end up at my worst, I hope at least you remember we had a few moments like this. It feels rare, the quiet.” 

“How can you say that? You’re already with the Resistance-“ 

“No, I’m a prisoner with the Resistance. Don’t kid yourself, Rey. My mother’s leadership is probably being questioned as we speak. I’ve never once, that I can remember, been free when with the Resistance. I have no idea how this iteration will end, what I might do if someone challenges me. You caught a glimpse of my existence, but you don’t know me. You don’t know how often I chose the dark. How often we chose the dark _together_. Even now, I don’t know if this is the right path.” 

“But this iteration must be the right one.” 

“How do you know? It could be one in a line of hundreds.” 

“I know the path of Kylo Ren is wrong.” 

“Really, you hold the wisdom of the Force? You should have said sooner. Spared me a few iterations.” 

“Don’t be a smartass! I don’t know all the iterations you’ve lived, but I know you’re meant to be Ben Solo, not Kylo Ren. How can you doubt it?” 

“Because I’m still stuck in the loop!” Rey flinched at his raised voice. Not quite a yell, but he was getting frustrated. He clenched his jaw, staring fixedly at the table, and folded his arms. “This feels familiar, arguing with you over which path to choose. If this is a Sith curse it’s beautifully effective.”

“You’re right, I don’t know you,” Rey said with forced calm. “But you don’t know me either. This me, the me that made you come with us, instead of killing Han.” He flinched. “Whatever you did to make me remember changed me,” she insisted. “I can’t go back… I’m not just Rey the scavenger anymore.” 

Ben was silent for a moment, but she could tell he was softening back to the man who had smiled at Leia’s story. “You were never the scavenger,” he said softly. “You were always so much more.” The way he said it warmed her heart. She couldn’t remember anyone saying something like that about her. “You must go to Uncle Luke. I can’t train you, not here. Maybe I’ll follow. If he’s prepared by you, if he knows about our bond and the time loop, maybe I can go… and not hurt him.” Rey opened her mouth to protest but stopped herself. She realised she was terrified of going to the great Jedi master on her own. It had been comforting to think Ben might come with her. She knew something horrible had happened between them, but at least Ben thought highly of her. Master Luke couldn’t reject her if he was with her, surely? Especially if she told him how she had been the one to stop Ben from killing his father. 

But it was all her own fears. She wasn’t thinking of Ben’s fears. She had to go. 

“I’ll go, but I’m coming back to get you if you take too long,” she warned. 

“Deal,” Ben said, a slight tilt to his lip. She held out her hand for him to shake. He gave it an odd look but took it. Their eyes met warmly. 

XXX 

Kylo snuck out. 

He felt half annoyed, half amused as he checked around himself. People seemed busy inside at this time of day. He was surprised how subdued everything seemed, but then he realised some were in mourning when he saw people clustered around a small remembrance altar near the edge of the base by the woods. He made his way quickly to the Falcon, finding it strange that he felt relief when the ramp came up behind him, leaving him alone in the dim ship. 

His relief was short-lived, when the ramp came down again and Poe Dameron stalked up it, blaster aimed and his finger on the trigger. 

“I knew you’d try to fuck off back to the First Order the first chance you got,” he growled. When he lifted his blaster more pointedly, Kylo showed his palms in what he hoped was a calm manner. “Not so tough now, huh? Without your mask and glow stick.” 

Kylo felt it then, as though Dameron had awoken it. His saber was on the Falcon. He could probably call it to him now and slice Dameron in half before the idiot had the chance to open his mouth again. He could take the Falcon, maybe go find Luke and slice him in half too. This whole experiment was futile anyway. If he could get to the cockpit, he could figure out which planet he was on. Maybe escape while he blasted away the base’s communications array, kill as many as he could on the ground as he-

“What the hell is going on?” Han’s voice cut off Kylo’s dark, unwelcome thoughts. 

“He’s trying to escape.” Han looked at Kylo and raised an eyebrow. Kylo almost confessed to the accusation, but then he realised he had _not_ been trying to escape when he left the bunker. He had just wanted to get out, feel a bit of fresh air, and see his father. Feeling disoriented, his mouth worked without speaking. “He can’t even deny it,” Dameron laughed. 

“Shut up, and let him speak,” Han barked at Dameron, who balked at the order. “And put away that damn blaster before you dent my ship!” Han turned back to Kylo, face softening. 

“You ok, son?” 

“I- I was coming to see you. The bunker felt a bit…” 

“Yeah, I know, I hate it down there.” The Falcon was of course much smaller, dirtier and full of dents, and yet it was far more hospitable. “Come on, I have some Soulean brandy somewhere. You,” he pointed at Dameron, “can get the hell off my ship.” 

“You can’t possibly believe him!” Dameron spluttered. “He’s manipulating you. He needs to be in a cell, not given brandy on a ship he could easily steal!” 

“Take it up with the General.” Han opened the ramp again and gave Dameron a pointed stare. The pilot finally gave a put-upon sigh and left, muttering all the way. Kylo felt a distinct sting in his chest as he looked at his father. What a strange iteration this was turning out to be. The warmth was quickly replaced by a flush on guilt as Han smiled at him and gestured for Kylo to follow. As Kylo seated himself in the main hold, while Han went to search for the brandy, he thought of missed opportunities. How many times had Han fallen to his death instead of sharing a brandy with his son? 

“Found it!” Han called from where his head was in one of the smuggling compartments. Kylo recalled hiding himself inside once and smiled. The bottle was dusty, the mugs and table felt so small compared to the last time Kylo had seen them. “I’ve been saving this,” Han said as he poured two measures. Another stab of guilt over uncounted undrunk brandy bottles. “Cheers,” Han clinked their mugs before Kylo had a chance to pick it up. 

The liquid burned nicely down his throat, but he didn’t have much experience in drinking. He felt a vague memory of an iteration ending in alcohol poisoning, but that might have been a dream, like all of them. Han made an appreciative sound. “Good stuff,” he murmured. 

“It is. Where did you get it?” 

“Won it in a game of sabacc.” 

“Of course.” 

“It was a good hand,” Han mused. “I decided to quit while I was ahead.” 

“Ran out of cheats or exits you mean.” 

Han was surprised into a laugh. “Yeah,” he admitted. He smiled, like he was happy in a quiet way that Kylo was there. Then, quite unprecedented, he said as much. “I’m glad you’re here.” 

“Me too,” Kylo found himself replying. 

They drank some more, Han told more of the story of how he got the brandy. Eventually, they both decided to go back to the bunker before the sun set, the implication of why unspoken. 

When they descended the ramp, Dameron was waiting with his blaster, along with half a dozen other Resistance members, all armed. 

“We’re taking him into custody.”


	3. Dying neuron

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please see tags for warnings

He could not remember if he had been in this particular cell before. It did not feel familiar, but the longer he lived in one iteration, the harder it was to conjure up details from the others in his mind. If only he could retain the memories just as an iteration began, when he felt the weight of them all, before they slipped away like a half-remembered dream. 

“I’m going to see him, or I’m going to start shooting, your choice!” Han’s gruff voice barked from somewhere near. There was some scuffling, a yelp, a “don’t touch me!”, followed finally by the sound of the door to the cell corridor being opened. 

“Ben, you all right?” 

Kylo looked up at his father, who looked back at him through the bars. 

“I’m fine,” his voice was hoarse for some reason. 

“We’re gonna get you out.” Han shot a glance down the corridor before whispering. “I have your lightsaber-“ 

“No,” Kylo stood, taking a step forward, but not near enough to touch the bars. “Don’t bring it anywhere near me.” Han frowned deeply, a protest on the tip of his tongue. Kylo spoke over him. “It’s better that I’m down here.” Everyone was safer, especially his father. 

“It’s not better,” Han said, his voice sharp. “It’s not better for anyone, Ben, except that hothead. Trust me, I know the type.” 

“And breaking me out will calm everything down?” 

“No,” Han conceded, looking sheepish. Abruptly all his bravado and energy deflated out of him. He sighed. “Your mother said she'll deal with it.” 

“How is she?” 

“Fine, I think. All the top brass are in the command centre.” 

“She won’t let me out, it’s not politically wise at present.” Kylo turned away and sat back down on the hard bench. 

“Fuck politics,” Han barked. “She-“ 

“She’s left me here before,” Kylo said, staring at the floor, “though it was different then.” You were dead, he did not say. 

“Ben, look at me.” Kylo forced his head up and met Han’s sorrowful gaze. “She told me to bring you back, and I did. Me and Chewie didn't go through all that just to leave you in a cell. I’m not leaving you in here.” Kylo couldn’t say anything to that, but he managed to nod sharply. “I’ll come back after I’ve talked to Leia.” He pushed away from the bars and left. 

Kylo considered his options, which were both limited and numerous, depending on what he wanted to risk. If this was the final iteration whatever he did now he would have to live with. More importantly, everyone else would have to live with it. 

His parents… they could look him in the eye and eat dinner with him. Rey understood about the loop, but more than that, she had acted, spoken first, on her own. She felt something, and it was different. Her feelings, if she had any, usually manifested at the very end at either of their deaths. She was always out of reach. He was doomed to die with her caring for him too late, or watch her die with hatred in her heart. 

This time was different. He could feel something in their connection change. 

Which meant this was the most precious iteration yet. 

He had to sit still, wait things out. He had to be patient, which admittedly was not in his skill set. Han would not return as promised. Perhaps Leia had forbidden him. He hoped Rey had left to find Luke before news of his capture had reached her. She was just as likely as Han to do something stupid. 

XXX

She found him on the top of the mountain. He had known she was coming. She was about to reach for the lightsaber in her backpack when she hesitated. Instead, she stood before him empty-handed and asked a question. 

"What happened between you and Ben?" 

Luke Skywalker's face contorted in confusion. Whatever he had expected, it had not been this. Anger flashed through him. Rey felt it hit her like a Force-push. Her mouth fell open in shock as he walked past her without answering. She gathered her wits about her quickly and ran after him down the steps. 

"Answer me, what happened?" She cried. She pushed past him to block his path. He gave her a look perfect for a stern schoolmaster. "He wouldn't come with me to see you, even though we need your help." This caused even more confusion. 

"He was with you?" Skywalker asked. "When?" 

"He came with me, after Starkiller base was destroyed. Han and I brought him back." 

"Han?" Luke looked off into the distance, thinking hard. "He's alive…?" He looked at her, eyes widening. "Why does that surprise me?" he asked her. She felt a trembling then, as though the whole island was shivering. It chilled her to the core. 

"I don't know." 

"You do," his voice was sharp. 

"No- I mean, yes, I think," Rey stammered, feeling off kilter. "It's a loop. Ben, he's stuck in a loop. It ends with his death and restarts on the Finalizer." When we meet, she did not add. "He thinks it's the Force." 

"It is, undoubtedly." Skywalker brushed past her again, continuing down the steps at a more measured pace. "The why is more interesting." 

They reached his hut. Inside Skywalker hung up his robe and sat by the fire in the centre. Rey hesitated before sitting across from him. She watched as he built up the fire again from its embers, stoking them broodily. 

"You've been here before," he said eventually, not looking up from the fire. "What happened?" 

"I don't remember. Ben said you trained me." 

"Ha!" Rey jumped slightly at the bark of laughter. "Unlikely," he grumbled. He put aside his stoking stick and sighed, closing his eyes and allowing his hands to rest on his folded knees. Rey held her tongue for about three seconds. 

"Why is that unlikely? Do you think he's lying?" 

"Quiet." 

Rey huffed, but did as she was told, reminding herself that she needed answers. She closed her own eyes and tried to mimic his position, but whatever meditation he was engaging in eluded her. Instead, she reached out to something she did know – Ben. Their connection was so far away, but she could still sense it. She frowned at the coldness she sensed from him. 

"You are connected," Skywalker said. She peaked at him. He had not moved. 

"Leia told me Ben said we were a dyad, though she didn't know much about it." Skywalker huffed at this, though it was difficult to tell if he was amused or annoyed. 

"Dyads are myth, but then again so is much about the Force." Rey gave up pretending to meditate and looked at the old Jedi. He sensed her gaze and looked at her, explaining more calmly, almost like a teacher should. "It means you are one in the Force." 

"But only Ben is stuck in the loop," she argued. 

"We are all stuck in the loop," Skywalker corrected. His eyes grew distant. "I went up to the mountain to meet you, but I don't recall when, or how long I stood there. I am like a game piece on a board, waiting to be moved. I remember my life up to this exile, but I have no memory of the beginning of my waiting for you, and yet, no time has passed at all since I went up there." He looked at her shrewdly. "That's not how you feel it, is it? When does the loop begin for you?" 

"On the Finalizer, in the interrogation room with Ben." Her words came too quickly. 

"And before that?" 

"I… I was on Jakku, and I found BB8 and Finn. We stole the Falcon, and then Han found us. We went to see Maz on Takodana…" She grimaced trying to remember. "The First Order found us. I was taken to the Finalizer…" 

"And in the interrogation room? What happened there?" 

"He tries to… I…" She couldn't pick out the correct sequence of events. It was like trying to see an image through fog. She felt the passage of time, but had nothing to hold on to in order to mark its passing. 

"What happened?" 

"This time, or before, the first time?" 

"Either." 

"I don't know, I can't remember, or I can't tell them apart." 

"You experience the passage of time, unlike the rest of us, you just can't retain it." 

"Because of the dyad?" 

Skywalked mmm'd and stoked the fire some more, putting on a few more tiny branches. 

"What's that supposed to mean?" Rey asked, angry at this mythical old master for being so unhelpful. "We're connected, I feel Ben's time passing, not my own." 

"If you already have your answers, why are you here?" 

"Because you're supposed to teach me." 

"That's what I usually do, apparently, but it's not what happens this time." 

"Why?" 

Skywalker shrugged. He leaned back slightly and reached for a flask, taking a big gulp from its contents. 

"This isn't the last loop, so what happens doesn't matter." 

"How do you know that?" Rey demanded. Another shrug. Rey made an annoyed exclamation. "You're useless!" she said, rising. He watched her with mild interest. She opened her mouth to yell some more at him when she suddenly felt as though she was falling. Her vision blacked out. 

XXX

He woke up in the middle of the night. He only realised when he reached out to his surroundings with the Force, sensing few people about. 

The guards at the detention bunker were playing sabacc, both tired and bored. They did not often have prisoners at the base. Kylo almost retreated into his own mind to sleep, when he hesitated. Why had he woken up? At the edges of his abilities, he sensed a third guard outside, heartrate spiking, bound and gagged. 

He heard the door bursting open, the barking of orders. "Easy," Han said. "We've orders to move the prisoner immediately. He's a danger to the base." He couldn't possibly believe that would work? There was arguing. If the guards stepped outside to question their companion it was over. Chewbacca growled impatiently. It seemed to help. "On your head then!" one of the guards spat. 

Kylo sat up as the cell door slid open. Han appeared smirking. "Come on." He did not wait for a reply.

"You're insane," Kylo said, but he had to follow. "Where are we going?" 

"Away from here. It's safer for everyone." Kylo bit back a retort. Han was right, though perhaps not for the right reasons. He wanted to go back, but creating a fuss might slow them down and create an altercation. The only thing to do was go wherever he was led. 

The guards were back to playing cards and were pointedly ignoring Chewbacca standing menacingly over them with his bow. They did not even glance at Kylo as they exited the detention bunker. Han led the way across the base towards the hangars where the Falcon sat. The night sky was bright enough for the planet to have at least one moon, but Kylo pointedly did not look up. 

Kylo slowed his pace, listening intently. He reached out with the Force and felt the damn pilot before his annoying yap rang out. 

"Stop right there!" Dameron jumped out from the corner of the mess hall. At the same moment, Han spun, blaster pointed, but not fully raised. Perhaps his reputation preceded him, or perhaps Dameron was just that hot-headed. In either case, Dameron was well ahead and shot first. 

Kylo had fallen some ten feet behind Han and Chewie, so all he could do was reach out with the Force and hold on. The blaster shot stopped right in front of Han's chest, a glowing rod of light held by the Force alone. Kylo fell to his knees with the weight of it, one hand in the dirt, the other outstretched. He breathed deeply through his nose. It was so much heavier this time, without the Dark side flowing through him. Move, he begged. Han looked at him, their eyes met. He fell backwards. The edge of the blaster fire had pierced him after all. 

Kylo didn't realise he had let go, the blast shooting off into the hangar door without causing much damage. He scrambled forward and grabbed Han, pulling him into his lap. Han's chest was decorated with a large hole, but survivable, Kylo was sure. Chewie growled and ran for a medic. Kylo pressed his hand to the wound, wishing desperately that he could heal him. He had never been able to do it to anyone except Rey, at the end, in the prime iteration. 

"Ben," Han said, hand coming up. Kylo had felt his father's hand on his face countless times, but not like this. 

"You're ok," Kylo insisted, keeping his voice steady. "Just hang on. Chewie's coming." 

"Take the Falcon. Follow Rey." 

"No." Kylo could not speak properly. He tried to form the words to explain. He was weak, always, no matter which side or path. 

"I love you, my son." Han's eyes closed. Kylo looked at his father's face as the life drained from him. He felt his heartbeat stop. He was distantly aware of Chewie's wailing and Dameron's protests. Wasn't it supposed to be snowing? 

He took the blaster from his father's side and shot himself in the head. 

XXX

She woke up immediately this time. That was new. Her eyes were full of confusion, but her expression quickly grew concerned when she found him in the corner. His legs gave out and he slid to the floor. 

"What happened?" 

"He died anyway." 

"Who?"

"Han." 

"Who killed him?" The question prompted him to look at her, surprised she had asked. It was only then he realised she had remembered. She pulled at her restraints, giving a frustrated grunt. "Get me out of these." He reached up towards the console, fumbling blindly until he found the release button. She immediately jumped from the rack towards him, sliding to her knees and taking his face in her hands. "Ben, tell me what happened. I was at-" Her face went blank, eyes unfocused on some dream slipping away. Her hands fell away as she tried to recall. "No, I had it- I- I was somewhere new, far away…" 

"You can't retain it," he murmured. 

"But I know it's a loop," she insisted. She looked around the room, trying to recognise it. "I know I was here before," she whispered. She looked back at him. "Tell me what happened." 

"It doesn't matter." 

"How can you say that? We must break the loop." 

"This is my hell. I'm condemned to it." 

"Stop being an idiot!" She poked him in the chest. He "ow'ed" softly while she continued ranting. "This is not _your_ personal hell. We are all stuck in this loop until you get out. I'm not a figment of your imagination. Now, tell me what happened and what went wrong." Her voice broke no argument, but Kylo found it impossible to look at her as he explained the basic events. 

"Han was shot as we tried to escape. It was all pointless." They fell silent as Rey took in the events of the loop. Hearing events that she had been in as a story, as though a doubleganger had lived her life, was strange. 

"How did it end?" she asked. Kylo shifted, looking away. "Han died, what then?" 

"I shot myself in the head with his blaster." 

"Oh, Ben," she closed her eyes for a moment to collect herself. She did not know this man, but she felt their connection, and his love for his father. The moment she had woken up she had held the whole loop in her mind for several seconds, she knew that, in an abstract way, but like water in her hands the details were gone. Just a vague sense of time having passed remained. Ben looked like he was waiting for someone to punch him. She leaned close and took his face in her hands again. "We'll do better this time. I won't leave you. I won't let Han do anything reckless. We try again." 

"It's hopeless." 

"There is always hope," Rey said. "Now get up, put on your helmet, and meet me at the bridge, just as you said." He shook his head. "You can do it, you've already done it once, right? Please, Ben, try again, for me?" 

"You don't get it." He pushed himself away and rose, stalking across the room, head down, arms folded tightly. "I did everything right this time and it still ended up like before. Nothing I do can change it. We die and the galaxy burns. Except in the prime iteration, which started this whole mess." And I died, he did not add. He paced back and forth for a bit, trying to puzzle it out, shaking his head. "Damn!" he cried, hitting the console with his fist. The door opened and a startled stormtrooper looked from one to the other. 

"You saw nothing," Kylo said at once, raising his hand. "Go about your business." The stormtrooper stepped back and the door slid closed. "I always end up here. Maybe I am dead. It's the only explanation that's left." 

"And what does that make me?" Rey asked. 

"A dying neuron firing its last pleasurable thought." 

"You would spend your dying thoughts on me?" 

Kylo looked up at her in surprise. She had mirrored his stance, arms folded, shoulders tight. She looked sad.

"I would spend eternity with you," he said, voice failing to a whisper as he spoke. "But not like this, as a stranger, as… as Kylo Ren." He looked away in shame. Rey opened her mouth to speak when the door slid open again, revealing Hux. He looked surprised at seeing Rey out of her bonds, then a twinkle of glee entered his eyes. 

"You've kept the Supreme Leader waiting," he said. "I see you've been busy." 

Kylo raised his hand again and Force-pushed Hux backwards so hard he took his two stormtrooper escorts with him and they all smashed against the far wall. The door slid closed and Kylo punched in a security code to lock it. He turned and grabbed Rey by the shoulders. 

"This iteration is wasted; I'm going to end it." 

"We could fight our way out-" 

"I've tried that, trust me, it ends badly every time." Rey searched his face for something, then nodded. He took his lightsaber in hand. "You should turn away." She shook her head. They could distantly hear the door being blasted. "I suppose it doesn't matter." He placed the hilt against his stomach. Whatever Rey was looking for in his face she seemed to find it, grabbing his hand just as his finger found the switch. 

"Don't, please," she whispered. "This- I need more time." 

"You can't retain it," he said softly. "You have no time. I have all of it." He tried to turn on the lightsaber, but she forced his fingers away. Her eyes were filling with tears. She gasped. 

"I can't watch you die." 

"You won't have to." He ducked down without thinking, kissing her gently. He had done so many times over the iterations, in many forms, but this reminded him only of the prime iteration. "I love you," he whispered as promised against her lips, eyes closed. Before he could really contemplate her reaction he turned on the lightsaber and felt its searing heat inside him. Rey gasped, maybe she cried out, or caught him as he fell. He allowed the dark to take him.


End file.
